I really need some critique on my writing? someone plz read! its pretty short.?

The first line is a great way of drawing in an audience but for I think you can come up with something even better then that. I also love the line “I was being held in my own personal hell.” What I think you should change is “I weakly attempted a shield but I didn’t have the energy or concentration to control my magic” to “I weakly attempted to shield myself…” It's a great story. Good luck